I didn’t think I was going to do this, but here I am. I’m going to once again dive into the unoriginal and write a time labeled running diary of my experience watching the Academy Awards that I recorded on our dvr today.

Here goes…

10:26

Oh my God! Did they just cut to Wesley Snipes? They did! He’s hanging out with Spike Lee? Are they making a new movie? I’ll be honest, I want Snipes back. Not Blade Snipes, but fuckin’ Major League Snipes. Or Passenger 57 Snipes. That’s the Snipes I want back in movies. Wait..Jennifer Garner just walked on stage. Great. Jennifer Garner. The one person who actually managed to almost ruin Juno. She came really, really close.

10:31

So far this year’s night of pretty people praising is pretty entertaining. I love Jon Stewart. How did a former MTV veejay become the most important comic in the country? Amazing how things work out. Also amazing is his ability to play this crowd so well. All he did was come out, do his routine, and get off stage. Pretty impressive. No theatrics, no song, just stand up. I respect that.

10:34

The coolest man in America just walked up. Clooney! I think he’s wasted. But wait…they brought him on to present the “80 Years Of Oscar” montage? You couldn’t use him for something more important? Ridiculous.

Speaking of ridiculous, I hate these montages. So far we’ve had the ET theme and Shaft. Wait…Celine Dion! My heart will go on! For a heartfelt tribute to such an amazing event and the changes it has brought to the world and mankind.

Fast forwarding…

10:38

Just cut to a shot of Philip Seymour Hoffman and Hellen Mirren. Are they dating?

10:40

Ratatouille just won best animated feature. It definitely was feature length. What was the running time on that like 19 hours? I can’t wait for next year’s 100 million animals talking digitally animated cartoons. Seriously though, Ratatouille was pretty amazing. Long yes, but quite the achievement.

Fast forwarding past best makeup…

10:44

The sight of Amy Adams singing a song from Enchanted has inspired me to do a top five list.

TOP FIVE HOTTEST WOMEN IN MOVIES/TV SHOWS

5) Laura Linney

4) Maggie Gyllenhal

3) Amy Adams

2) Jenna Fischer

1) Jessica Biel

10:50

The award for art direction is being presented now. One of the most underrated awards. This is such a massively important part of the filmmaking process, yet these guys get less notice than the key grips. These people are extremely good at what they do. The Sweeney Todd people won. Sweet.

10:52

Great. Before we get to see the supporting actor award, we get to see yet another Oscar retrospective. Gag me with a self indulgent spoon.

Here we go…the first major award and the first test of my picks. Let’s see, I predicted old schooler Hal Holbrook. Let’s see who wins. Just have to wait 20 minutes for this montage to end…

Fast forwarding…

10:53

Come on Hal…come on old timer…come on….

10:54

Anton Chigur just won it! Good. The more I think about it, the more I think he deserves it. I feel like it would be tough to hang out with this guy in real life. How do you hang out with a guy who played so well the creepiest killer in the history of film?

The first test of my picks has been a gigantic failure. Thanks a lot Oscar!!!!

10:59

They’re now doing “Oscar’s Salute To Binoculars and Periscopes” in an effort to poke fun at their own obsession with montages. And to make yet another writer’s strike joke. Funny…sort of?

11:00

Keri Russel just made it into the top five. I forgot about her. By the way, kind of a bummer Waitress didn’t get a nomination for original screenplay. One, it was really good. Two, a nod to Adrienne Shelley would have been good. For those not in the know, she is the writer/director of Waitress who was killed in brutal and tragic fashion just after the movie was completed. One of the saddest stories in movie history. It would have been good to see her get nominated.

11:07

Ooh, ooh! Animated shorts! I actually watched all of these at a screening last night. I finally have a vested interest in this category. Come on, Madam Tutli Putli, come on!!

Seriously, I don’t know why they don’t release these worldwide. It was so much fun to watch. The short film is such an amazing thing that needs a wider audience.

Peter and The Wolf wins! Worthy, for sure.

11:08

Best Supporting Actress. Here we go…my pick: Ruby Dee. My vote: Amy Ryan. Am I an idiot again? Only Alan Arkin can say for sure…

Tilda Swinton!! I suck! I suck! The old people let me down! That’s the last time I put my money on the old timers!

I have a funny feeling Michael Clayton may be more of a big winner tonight than I originally thought…hmmmm….

Did Tilda just say her director walks on water? Wow. Count it! She just made a fucking hilarious joke about Clooney playing Batman. Possibly the greatest acceptance speech ever. Seriously.

11:14

Scientific and technical awards…blah, blah, blah…the guys whose work is the only reason these movies exist, blah blah…

Fast forwarding…

11:15

Josh Brolin and James Macavoy just walked out. I will always see Brandon Walsh from The Goonies every time I see Josh Brolin. No matter how old he gets or how many times the Coen Brothers have him shot on film.

11:16

Adapted Screenplay. I’m already 0 for 2. Will it be 0 for 3?

1 for 3! I’m back in the game, baby! I’m back! No Country takes it home. Rightly so. I read the book and have never seen a movie follow it’s source material more closely. Amazing. First win for No Country. Although, winning this award may be a sign that they will not get the director or the best picture nods. Hmmm…

11:20

Great. The president of the Academy. Talking about how hard it is to put on this show. Wow. That’s what we all want to see. Get off the stage! At least have Clooney present this!!!

Fast forwarding…

Wait…this is actually kind of interesting. A montage giving an inside look at the voting process. Stopped fast forwarding. What the fuck? John Travolta has a vote? I just lost all respect for this award. And I didn’t have much to begin with. How cool would it be if your job was to count the ballots for the Oscars? What a crazy job.

11:25

Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill are presenting for best sound editing. Another unsung award. These sound guys are the guys that make movies great. And Rogen and Hill are fucking hilarious.

11:28

Best actress. Here we go. I’m 1 for 3, looking to up my average a bit. Forest Whitaker is presenting. I love this guy. He’s weird looking and endearing at the same time. There are so few of us.

Come on, Ellen Page! Let’s do this!!

Seriously, why hasn’t Away From Her gotten a wide pre-Oscar release? I want to see this movie so bad. But I can’t! And I live in a cool big city, damnit!

NOTE: I secretly wish Laura Linney would win this. She was a great presence in a great movie (The Savages).

The La Vie En Rose girl won. I should have known. The dark horse who was neither Julie Christie nor Ellen Page. 1 for 4.

NOTE: The La Vie En Rose girl just cracked the top five. I really need to rearrange the list.

11:35

Colin Farrel is the biggest turd in Hollywood. He’s like that guy you knew in high school who was totally creepy, totally stupid, totally annoying, and totally fucked up all around…but was totally hot and got laid all the time no matter how what stupid shit he said. That’s Colin Farrel.

11:40

Best editing. This is the award I hope to win one day. The dude who edited The Bourne Ultimatum won. That must be wicked crazy editing a movie like that. Wicked crazy. That’s what I said.

11:43

Wow. Bill Conti is conducting the orchestra tonight. As we all know, he composed the Rocky theme and the Karate Kid. So he’s pretty amazing. Now I know what he looks like. Huh.

11:44

Nicole Kidman is presenting the lifetime achievement thing to a 98 year old dude. He’s going to pass out and die if when he sees her. This guy did the art direction for The Birds, North By Northwest…and Dragnet. Yeah, the one with Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks. 98?!!!! He seems really really healthy and with it for being that old. Pretty amazing. Is that Harrison Ford sitting next to Ally Macbeal? Wait, back to the old guy. He lived in a world with no internet! Can you believe that shit?

They keep cutting away to his family sitting in their own section of the theater. The kids look so bored. Like imagine you’re a kid and your parents make you go to some boring thing your relatives are putting on and you really don’t want to go. Then imagine that thing is the fucking academy awards.

“But, mooooom…”

“Don’t but mom me, this is important to the family.”

“But, mooooom, I wanted to add 1000 photos to my Facebook profile.”

“I said we’re going to the Oscars and that’s that. Now shut up and get in the car.”

These kids are ridiculous.

11:51

Penelope Cruz just presented best foreign language film. She’s interesting to me because she’s slept with Tom Cruise and she could offer some real insight to why he is so crazy-

Patrick Dempsey just arrived! Ronald Miller from Can’t Buy Me Love!! Yeah, he’s that doctor in that show (that takes place in Seattle), but to me he’ll always be the lovable dork who pays 1000 dollars to a hot popular girl to be his girlfriend so he could be popular. I want the late 80’s back sooooo bad!!!

11:55

John Travolta is presenting. Speaking of Tom Cruise crazy. This guy is a nut. I don’t know what’s nuttier though, his religion or his role choices since Pulp Fiction.

12:00

Jon Stewart is really good at this. Like, for the reals.

12:01

Cameron Diaz is sooooo wasted.

12:02

The Oscar montage I actually like is starting. The in memoriam. Pretty sad stuff, and always an effective part of the night.

The director of A Christmas Story died?!!

Ingmar Bergman?!!!

They ended it with Heath Ledger. Has to be one of the saddest celebrity deaths since River Phoenix. The guy had so much promise, you know?

12:06

The orchestra just busted out a sweet 2 seconds of the Rocky theme! Yeah!!

1 2:08

Tom Hanks just walked on. He’s currently fighting hard not to give his title of “Greatest Movie Star In America” up to Clooney. It’s a losing battle, Hanks. Just give it up. We love you, but just give it up.

The award for best documentary short subject is being presented by soldiers in Baghdad. The first guy’s name was Joseph Smith. Where do I know that name? Where do I know that name???

Seriously though, this was kind of a cool thing having these soldiers present the award.

12:09

Whoa! Seal is at this thing! Seal!!! Seal?

12:14

You know it’s a bad sign when the majority of the feature documentary award nominees revolve around the wars in the middle east. That says something about how fucked up things are. Trust me, it really does.

Taxi To The Dark Side won, which I have yet to see. But if you guys get the chance, see No End In Sight. It offers great insight into why this stupid war is still going on. Also check out Why We Fight. These two movies are documentaries not saturated with the sensationalism of Micheal Moore docs that really analyze intellectually what’s going on out there.

12:16

Original screenplay. Here we go. Come on, Juno. I’m secretly hoping this wins because the writer, Diablo Cody, is really hot. Even her name is hot!

Yes!

Diablo Cody!

I’m 2 for 5!

They just showed Jennifer Garner acting so excited about this. She almost ruined it! Why did they even invite her there?

12:22

Best actor. If D-Day Lewis wins I’m back in the game.

Hellen Mirren is creeping me out right now. Wait, not anymore. She just made a joke about balls. Nevermind. Not creeped out anymore.

I picked D-Day. But secretly…I’m rooting for Clooney.

D-Day!!! He wins it!! I’m back in the game!! 3 for 6 Ted Williams never batted better than that!

NOTE: I think D-Day and Helen Mirren are totally going to bone tonight.

Watching him give his acceptance speech is crazy. The real D-Day is nothing like his character in There Will Be Blood. Does that mean he’s an amazing actor? I think so right? Isn’t that the definition? I don’t really know. I’m thrilled my pick won out. But I really do wish Clooney would have won. How could a person not root for Clooney?

12:30

Best director. I picked the Coens. I want P.T. What will it be?

NOTE: For the montage depicting past winners, they played the Field Of Dreams music. That music will always make me cry. Always. I’m not afraid to admit that. Okay, I am afraid. But I’m admitting it anyway!

And the winner is…come on Marty just say it!!!

The Coen Brothers!!! I am 4 for 7. Not bad, not bad at all.

Joel and Ethan Coen are winning pretty big tonight. Let’s face it, these guys are the best filmmakers around aren’t they? Can we just face that right now? Sure, they’ve slipped up from time to time. But look at this list: Raising Arizona, Miller’s Crossing, Fargo, The Big Lebowski, Oh Brother Where Art Thou. That’s a great list. A great list. Think about it.

12:35

Best Picture. The mother of them all.

The winner is…

There is no way my stupid pick is going to be right. I’m a moron.

No Country wins it all.

I tried to be bold by thinking the little movie may pull it out. What was I thinking? The movie I wanted won. That’s two years in a row. No Country is great. It’s very close in its greatness to There Will Be Blood, but this is what I would have voted for.

Well. That’s it. Another Oscar night in the books. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s 12:38 and I need to get to bed. I have to work at 11:00 tomorrow.

Somewhere between watching 24 hours of a bad season of a good tv show and the rest of the nonsensical ridiculousness that is my life currently, I failed to set aside time to write out my predictions for cinema’s most publicized and meaningless prize…The Oscars!!

So now, one day before the big show, I give you my picks…

Best Adapted Screenplay

Nominees: Away From Her, Atonement, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, There Will Be Blood, No Country For Old Men

What will win: No Country For Old Men

What I would vote for: No Country For Old Men

Best Original Screenplay

Nominees: Juno, Michael Clayton, Lars and The Real Girl, Ratatouille, The Savages

What will win: Juno

What I would have voted for: The Savages

Best Director

The Nominees: P.T. Anderson (There Will Be Blood), The Coen Bros. (No Country For Old Men), Jason Reitman (Juno), Tony Gilroy (Michael Clayton), Julian Schnabel (The Diving Bell and the Butterfly)

Who will win: The Coen Bros.

Who I would vote for: P.T. Anderson

Best Supporting Actress

The Nominees: Cate Blanchette (I’m Not There), Tilda Swinton (Michael Clayton), Saoirse Ronan (Atonement), Amy Ryan (Gone Baby Gone), Ruby Dee (American Gangster)

Who will win: Ruby Dee

Who I would vote for: Amy Ryan

Best Supporting Actor

The Nominees: Casey Affleck (The Assassination Of Jesse James…), Javier Bordhem (No Country…), Hal Holbrook (Into The Wild), Tom Wilkinson (Michael Clayton), Philip Seymour Hoffman

Who will win: Hal Holbrook

Who I would vote for: Philip Seymour Hoffman

Best Actress

The Nominees: Ellen Page (Juno), Cate Blanchette (Elizabeth: The Golden Age), Laura Linney (The Savages), Julie Christie (Away From Her), Marion Cotillard (La Vie En Rose)

Who will win: Ellen Page

Who I would vote for: Ellen Page

Best Actor

The Nominees: George Clooney (Michael Clayton), Johnny Depp (Sweeney Todd…), Daniel Day Lewis (There Will Be Blood), Tommy Lee Jones (In the Valley Of Elah), Viggo Mortenson (Eastern Promises)

Who will win: Daniel Day Lewis

Who I would vote for: Daniel Day Lewis

Best Picture

The Nominees: Atonement, There Will Be Blood, No Country For Old Men, Juno, Michael Clayton

What will win: Juno — I’m making a bold pick right here, predicting the “little movie that could” actually could win ths year.  I may be an idiot on this one.  We’ll see…
What I would have voted for: No Country For Old Men — I had a hard time choosing between this and There Will Be Blood.  It was a great year for movies and these two were tops.